I have a remarkable talent of being in the wrong place at the wrong time at the exact moment when shit hits the fan, sends particles of this shit flying, and lands none other than in the lap of Yours Truly.
Yes: some people call this unlucky, some call it bizarre, and many of my friends call it down right fucked up.
I call it material for a fucking great story!*
*Partly because my oddball experiences are begging to be told; but also because I need a bit of humour to help clean the shit off … what’s that saying, ‘If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry …’ Yep: let’s just say the cracked corners of my lips need a bit of TLC (Tender Lip Care a.k.a. PawPaw) to repair the dryness caused from—you guessed it—the omg-you’re-so-funny-universe! fake fitful (pitiful) laughing.
Unfortunately for me (but funny for you), bewildering and bat-shit crazy moments in my life are not sporadic; never ‘one time only’ occurrences; sure as hell not holy shit that was the weirdest thing to ever happen to me ordeals. No. Absurdities are commonplace in my not-so-normal life. Just another thing to ‘add to the list’—a list that is so fucking long it belongs on a bookshelf. One day I might publish this ‘list’ with a title like This shit should be fiction or Do I have a post-it note on my forehead that says ‘wanted: all creepos, weirdos and fucked up shit, thanks XOXO?’ I think the second title might be a tad too long, but hey, I have plenty of material to pull inspiration from.
And here you will find them all. From the hilarious to the hellish; from the ‘oh my god’ to the ‘OH MY GOD’; from the ‘she’s got to be joking’ to the ‘please tell me she’s goddamn joking!’
But, of course, the unlucky bitch is no Debbie-Downer (I’m much too fabulous for that—she sounds awfully repulsive with a name like Debbie). Instead I reflect on these moments of utter madness as material. Material for a list that may one day become a book … or shitty short-stories like these.
HA HA HA (reaches for PawPaw).