A petite mess of style and substance. A Melbourne writer. A controversial bitch daring you to see our world differently.

Say what?

My friends can be VERY entertaining.

Don’t get me wrong, they are fucking fabulous to-die-for friends, but—my God!—can they come up with some outlandish comments. Which doubles the hilarity of it all, given the bitches are actually shrewd and savvy as shit. (Well, the majority of the time.)

Prepare to be bewildered.

 

“If everyone just cut the BS, we’d all be fucking fine!”  Yep: deep & meaningfuls are SO much better when la girlf abbreviates ‘bullshit’ without changing her tone or sincerity.

“I’ve been there for two months and I have THE thickest skin …  if I’m there for a year, I’ll be a bloody rhino!” Same girlf. Talking about her new position in the media industry, naturally daaarling.

“Oh darling she is renowned for saying, ‘You’re as insignificant as an arse hair’—she’s that fucking fabulous. You’d love her.” And again. La girlf is on fire.

“Oh my God. I’m pretty sure I just killed three birds with one stick.” Oh darling: do you mean you ‘killed two birds with one stone’?

“The shoe in the other foot.” Translation: ‘putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.’ Same girlf who got confused with the birds and the object. Getting sayings right isn’t her thing, obviously.

“I had a blind date with a deaf guy. I’m not kidding.” He wasn’t kidding. The issues of Grindr dating.

So not only am I a single gay man, now I’m a single gay man who requires his dates to have all five senses. I mean, seriously, have I stooped that low?” Yes darling, unfortunately you have.

“Fuck. What a fanny fest.” The words of a true lady.

“I am going to die here.” That’s how much fun he was having.

“Stupid wine. She evil.” Amen, sistah.

“I actually had a BAF.” Translation: Big Arse Forehead. Yes, she did: thank god she got it sorted.

“I would rather put pins in my underwear and go for a bike ride!” Girlfriend isn’t fond of exams.

“You know you’re tired when you look in the fridge for your toothbrush and try to start your car with your bank card.” Oh, darling.

“His name is Ling-Ching-Bing or something. But we call him David.” Well that makes perfect sense.

“He looked at me like I was his mother or his fucking teacher. I’m like, ‘Come on Jimmy, just get your shit together!'” Girlfriend doesn’t cope with ‘Group Work’ at uni very well.

“Is the moon Russian?” … umm?

“Seriously you’ve never lived until you’ve peeled a banana back to front. You hold the little knob at the end and you’re pretty much a fucking ape. It’s that sick.” Oh dear. I think la girlf needs to get out more.

“If customers are rude, I just pour boiling water on their coffee cup handles. Then the bitches burn their little fingers. Serves them right, I reckon.” Right, ahh, remind me not to get on your bad side babe …

“I went through a gangster faze, seriously. I even had one of those personalised number plates … it said ‘Gs UNIT’ Get it? Like G Unit but G’s … ”  Yep. I’ve got it. Let’s never talk about this again.

“I was really getting into my Asian friend wasn’t I?” I’m not sure how to answer that, honey.

“I’ve just been hanging out with a giant swan.” Well, whatever la girlf likes to do, I guess …

“The new pad screams period stains in undies that have been unsuccessfully bleached.” I asked her how her new ‘pad’ (as in: house) was going. Rooky choice of word, I know that now.

“Let’s have beers soon, please. Or ciders, or acid, or whatevs.’ Umm … I’ll get back to you?

“I was way off my tities, I probably would have thought you were a lama.” It happens.

“My bitch of a brain took a train to the Himalayas … she out of here!” I feel ya girlf … sometimes the brain just leaves ya after a few bottles!

“I might even show a bit of my left ariola to Anthony Kiedis. Just saying.” She was going to The Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

“… shit did I just successfully head spin?” Yes. Yes you did just do a break dance move. On your head. Successfully. Bitch be full of surprises.

“My tooth fell out again. I didn’t even know until I looked in the mirror!” I wish she was kidding. Her. Tooth. Fell. Out. AGAIN. And she was IN PUBLIC (more specifically: in a club) and SHE DIDN’T KNOW until she went to the bathroom. Sort that shit out, sistah. Sort it out now.

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